My confused blog on polygamy

I was once in a situation where my Husband, [who is now my ex] wanted to get a second wife. He told me about it like this, ' im embarking on a journey, im looking for a second wife. You will always have the first place in my heart but i am a man, i need more.... look at the upside, at least i wont be cheating and you will have company.' He then talked about how our Family would be stronger and since i was the first wife i would always have the upper hand. He told me that according to religion it was more pious for me to help him in his search, that way we could both approve of the woman and he went out of his way to make me understand that i would be fully involved. He told me to feel free to voice any doubts i had over the matter and he assured me that if i disapproved he would not marry the woman. I didnt really have a say in the matter and i knew it so i listened and accepted.

The next few weeks are a blur...We met with several women until he finally decided on one, her name was Khadija. Khadija lived somewhere in buruburu with her family so we went over there to visit. Khadija cooked all sorts of treats from pilau to lamb, her family went out of their way to reiterate that she would make a great wife. She was beautiful, intelligent and although she came from a poorer background than he was accustomed to, was what in Islam would be considered a pious woman. I watched my husband flirt with her... i watched him talk to her... i watched him coyly smile at her when he thought i wasn't looking. I had bitterness in my heart but i convinced myself that i loved him and i wanted what was best for him. I was six months pregnant, i was tired, i was bitter, i was always avoiding my husband because he was extremely abusive. i thought that perhaps, if i let him marry this second woman, maybe he would leave me alone. It seemed to make him happy for a little while and if nothing else it diverted the attention from me.During this 'courtship' he tried to keep me happy because, after all, he had said that if i refused he wouldn't do it. He never did marry her...they did the dowry negotiations and everything but for some reason it didn't work out. As for me i left him when i gave birth.

Now you might criticize me for never doing anything and you might wonder why i sat there and took it and you might even think i am the dumbest person alive, but i will tell you that in that moment there was a lot against me. There was my mother and my mother in law, they had watched him beat me repetitively and they kept trying to re assure me. They would tell me that marriage was hard and i had to sacrifice and compromise. They thought it was ok for him to get a second wife too so that made it hard for me to say no. There was the fact that i was pregnant and scared to lose the baby. There was the religion, i was very Muslim and i wanted to do whats right in Allah's eyes, my husband was an imam in the mosque so all his friends had three or four wives. There was the fact that i thought my life was over...he always told me i wouldn't be able to live without him. There was the tiny issue of age i was barely seventeen. I was just confused.

All i can really say for sure is there is nothing worse than watching a man want another woman, its an emotional roller coaster. Your not sure whether to cry or laugh, you wonder if you are wretched for hating her and being secretly jealous.Questions run through your mind like does he really love you? is he thinking of her when he is in bed with you? what will the future be like for your children? will he be there for yours like he is for hers? will he favor her children financially over yours? Maybe he will love her more maybe she will be better in bed... will he cry on her shoulder or will he beat her like he does you? you wonder about a lot of stuff. Kudos to the women who can take it. I cant.

I have no stance on polygamy i just know its not right for me. That i know for sure. Now It took alot to write about this so please be kind with your comments.